17) Los Angeles Chargers-
It’s no mystery that Rivers hates LA and misses San Diego, I guess he enjoyed taking his 47 children to SeaWorld. I expect him to continue underperforming. Let’s kill two birds with one stone. Give Rivers a little slice of his old town while taking the pressure away from him under center. Chargers select Chad Woosley, RB, San Diego State. Not a huge prospect. Only has 2 career starts but has racked up 2 tackles on kickoffs. Plus, Woosley and Rivers can bond over memories of the SD Zoo. Stock up!
18) Seattle Seahawks-
I can’t believe the Seahawks didn’t make playoffs. Maybe it’s Pete Carroll being too much of a weakling. He’s just not intimidating enough. I’ll bet he likes Russell Wilson because small guys stick together. No more scrawny Grandma Pete recruiting. I give them the biggest lineman I can find. (392 lb 6’5) Raquan Thomas, OT, UMass. Let’s see Pete try to puss-ify that guy.
19) Dallas Cowboys-
This one better happen. In fact, Dallas ought to trade up just to secure this pick. Cowboys take Dallas Goedert, TE, South Dakota State. This dude is ranked #1 on several TE draft boards, would equip Dak with more options, AND HIS NAME IS DALLAS! If there was a player named Minnesota Jones I’d expect the same from the Vikings. It’s PR 101.
20) Detroit Lions-
Think about the Lions. Ask yourself: How elite are they? Now ask yourself: How “elitist” are they? Hmmm. Not very. They need that old money. They need a country club guy. They need Leighton Vander Esch, LB, Boise State. I bet his grandpa is an oil tycoon. He’s projected as the draft’s #5 LB, but I project him as the draft’s #1 aristocrat.
21) Buffalo Bills-
The Bills need an athlete who can fill in for Marcell Darius and also stay warm in the brisk, Northern winter. Their salvation, much like the citizens of ancient Greece, lies with Hercules. Hercules Mata’afa, DT, Washington State. Coached by the Mike Leach, Mata’afa knows how to handle a chilling presence. He has a history of targeting problems, but brain damage is actually a really good strategy for enjoying the city of Buffalo.
22) Buffalo Bills-
Déjà vu. Bills have picks # 21 and 22, Total Bills Move. I don’t have a lot of faith in Tyrod Taylor. As an avid capitalist, I believe in the process of competition. I’m thinking Sam Darnold, QB, USC. “Pretty Boy Sam” may not be the best fit for Buffalo, but then again, neither is Tyrod. It’s really just a contest of who will Nathan Peterman substitute in for, where he will throw his signature 9 interceptions.
23) Los Angeles Rams-
I remember watching the Rams one game this season and thinking “Sammy Watkins is alive?” I swear I thought he died or something. So, in the loving memory of Rammy Watkins: Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust, Rams to Rams. Go ahead and bet on Michael Gallup, WR, CSU. Colorado State’s mascot is the Ram. It is a beautiful send off for Rammy Watkins. Also, there’s kind of a connection between Rams and Galloping, and this fella’s name is Gallup.
24) Carolina Panthers-
I know Carolina made the playoffs, but I don’t seem to recall them ever being a Super Bowl contender. Cam Newton is a great QB, but his charisma can only get them so far. He’s not the superstar he was in college. I think they need the new most exciting college player. Trae Young, Athlete, Oklahoma. He might not be a football player, but all analysts agree that he’s a first-rounder. Antonio Gates played basketball in college, therefore the Panthers may have just drafted the next Antonio Gates. Simple logic.
25) Tennessee Titans-
We live in a world of unpredictability. Trump is president. Oreos are thin. The Titans won a playoff game. I’m thinking Corey Davis could be a Pro Bowl talent at the receiver position. Eric Decker is on that team, and he’s got a hot wife. Even their defense played like real pros. Well done Tits! I have them going with Amen Ogbongbemiga, LB, Oklahoma State. Hilarious last name, and first name is “Amen,” which is what Titan fans can finally say.
26) Atlanta Falcons-
I guess the Falcons performed well. They made it back to the playoffs and lost to the Super Bowl Champs… sound familiar? Steve Sarkisian was probably too drunk to remember the season, but I can confirm he didn’t do great. Let’s beef up the offense with Kobe Buffalomeat, OL, Illinois State. “Shouldn’t he go to BUFFALO?” No, that’s too easy. This Freshman totally fits in with my beef-up-the-offense joke. And the name Kobe is synonymous with victory. It works.
27) New Orleans Saints-
The Saints fell victim to a walk off touchdown against the Vikings this year, and that’s the kind of loss that sticks with a team. Sean Satan will implement a timeless gameplan during this draft season: If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Saints draft the king of last second victories Tua Tagovailo, QB, Alabama.
28) Pittsburg Steelers-
Harrison Smith said “Chaio,” Ryan Shazier said “Owww,” and Juju Smith-Schuster said “Holy Cow! I’m famous now! And I’m pretty good, wow!” Where else can you a collection of top 5 talent for QB, WR, and RB? Too bad they lost to the Jags twice this season. They need a Jaguar repellant. I say it’s Joshua Moon, S, GSU. Georgia Southern beat South Alabama, 52-0 this season. South Alabama is the Jaguars. Jaguar Repellant = Found.
29) Jacksonville Jaguars-
Well speak of the devil. Hey Jags, Way to go! This is kinda like the Titans but even more impressive. Blake is the chosen one from UCF, so let’s work with that. Sacksonville takes the One-Handed Bandit, Shaquem Griffin, LB, UCF. I’m surprised this National Champ was still on the board at #29. He can guard Fumagalli whenever the Jags play the Cards. Match up made in heaven.
30) Minnesota Vikings-
Vikings were so close to having homefield advantage against a weak Pats team in the Super Bowl, that is, if you consider a 38-7 loss “so close”. Case Keenum, Sam Bradford, and Teddy Bridgewater are all elite. Keenum had the clutchest play in Viking history, Bradford had the highest completion percentage in NFL history (no… really… it was like 71.6%... crazy, right?), and Teddy was starting over both of them. So good luck Minnesota. I hope your eye heals up soon, Zimmer. And have fun with your newest teammate Garrison Wright, C, Minnesota. Keepin it local.
31) New England Patriots-
I know a lot of Pats fans, but one of them is a pretty girl. She’s cool. She and I have this great chemistry and we just really get along. I don’t know if I should ask her out or just ride whatever wave we’re on now. I’m scared of the friendzone. Pats need a backup. Mason Rudolph, QB, Oklahoma State.
32) Philadelphia Eagles
The Eagles put up a hell of a season. Incredible defense, Overcame Carson Wentz’s injury, a fan ate horse shit. Crazy stuff. And Nick Foles was able to win it all. BDN (Big Dick Nick) needs someone to balance out the team. With a big dick at QB, we’ll put a chub on the defense. Bradley Chubb, DE, NC State. He’s not massive but he can really penetrate (pun so very much intended).