- (The article below is an attached document leaked from within the NCAA following the evidence collected against HC Sean Miller)
Let me be the first to say Congratulations, and to our North Korean members, 치하. As I’m sure you have all heard, we have officially put an end to the under-the-table paying of student athletes. Now that we have caught the outlaw Sean Miller, I’m confident all of this rule breaking will finally be put to rest. I can’t imagine any other schools nor individuals would attempt to pay their players, therefore I commend you all on forever prohibiting these young indentured servants from receiving money for their work and likenesses.
Sean Miller, the soon to be former Head Coach of the Arizona Men’s basketball team, needs to be made an example of. The FBI wiretapping his phone isn’t enough. All of us at NCAA Headquarters, atop Mount Doom, are in discussion of punishment tactics. Chairman Nixon wants Miller to be fined while Chairman Putin suggests physical retribution.
While we decide on an appropriate response, I do have a request. If any one would please be so kind as to send out an intern to find Mr. Deandre Ayton, that would be greatly appreciated. He has some money that we would like to add to our bank accounts. It is approximately $100,000. You may find him in Tucson, AZ where he will be applying for the NBA draft as fast as humanly possible.
Thank you all. Long live the great Ponzi scheme that is the NCAA.
- (Signed by Unidentified NCAA Executive)