*Preface* The Oscars Academy Awards were last night and I watched most of it, along with a little bit of the Bucks game mixed in. I figured I could give an honest evaluation of some ceremonies, categories, and winners from last night. Also, I have not seen most of the movies that were nominated so my point of view with be authentic and based purely on what was presented to me.
Red Carpet: I didn't see any of the red carpet interviews because I'm not a middle-aged, suburban wife. So in prep for this section I Googled "oscars red carpet," and that's where I learned that Ryan 'Earcrust' Seacrest (the American Idol mannequin-man) was in hot water amid sexual misconduct allegations, and none of the big name celeb's wanted to talk to him last night. Apparently he only got a handful of interviews all night, and to really rub salt on the wounds, one of his interviews was with his daytime co-host Kelly Ripa. That's the equivalent of taking your mom to senior prom. Way to go, Ryan.
Monologue/Host: Ah Jimmy Kimmel... you cheeky bastard. I tuned into the awards show about halfway through his opening monologue and immediately remembered why awards shows suck. Here's the formula for any award show ever -- 1) Begin show with a slew of famous people who are personal friends with the host. 2) Come out and talk about whatever modern news story is revenant to whatever population is in attendance. 3) Pop up throughout the event every now and then without ever doing any real work like announcing winners. -- Someone once explained the Oscars to me like this, "It's a bunch of like-minded elites applauding each other on their respective indie films." Not a bad assessment.
Best Score: The winner was Alex Desplat for "The Shape of Water," but I'm pretty sure the real best score of the year was "The Philly Special" (aka Philly-Philly) in Super Bowl 52. I definitely remember Nick Foles catching a TD in Minnesota better than I remember the background music for a movie I never saw.
Visual Effects: So "Blade Runner: 2049" won this category and even though I love Ryan Gosling and Harrison Ford, I was pissed. Out of all the movies nominated, that was the only one I hadn't seen. I could've given a proper evaluation if it was "Star War: The Last Jedi" or "War for the Planet of the Apes" or any other movie nominated. I blame the academy for not appealing to my taste.
Best Animated Feature Film: This is my take and I'll proudly die on this hill. "BOSS BABY" GOT ROBBED! Never saw "Coco," and never need to. My "Boss Baby" deserved that Oscar! Alec Baldwin crushed that role and the movie will be remembered classic.
Grade: Literally 1/100 (only giving the 1 point because "Coco" is Pixar)
Best Animated Short Film: As a sports writer it's my obligation to cover this category. "Dear Basketball" winning last night stirred the sports world as Kobe Bryant added an Academy Award to his trophy arsenal. Is the Mamba better than MJ, who never won an Oscar, as a pure talent? I'm sure lots of debates got reignited in the afterparties. Now with LeBron James preparing to star in a Space Jam sequel, the pressure is on to bring home an Oscar just to keep his name in conversation of relevancy.
Best Supporting Actress: I'm halfway through West Wing on Netflix and even though I miss Rob Lowe's character (*spoiler alert* he leaves the show), Allison Janney's acting keeps me going. As a fan of both sports and morals, the only thing that fits between "I" and "Tanya", is "hate". Uh oh... hot take approaching, I think Tanya Harding is a shit human. I never saw "I, Tanya" but I'm sure it deserves this award. I'll bet Allison Janney and the flawless Margot Robbie could even persuade me to beat up Nancy Kerrigan.
Best Supporting Actor: I really like Sam Rockwell. I've liked him ever since he dropped the f-bomb of SNL. I liked him in Iron Man 2 and The Green Mile and whatever else he's in. This was a loaded nominee field and I would've been fine with Willem Dafoe or Woody Harrelson winning, but I'm glad Sammy Boy could bring home the gold. Plus Rockwell thanked anyone who has ever looked at a billboard in his speech; you're welcome, sir.
Best Actress: Not fully sure who Frances McDormand is and I don't know anything about "Three Billboards Outside of Ebbing, Missouri" but good for McDormand. I personally hoped Margot Robbie or Meryl Streep would've won, but that's because when I don't know about the sport I typically root for the team I've heard the most about.
Best Actor: Gary Oldman has died in so many movies that I've started to expect his death whenever I see him on screen. Like so many other movies discussed, I never saw "Darkest Hour" but I'll bet his fatass either dies or is alluded to dying at the end of that movie. And that is not a criticism of Oldman, I freaking love that guy. I'll happily take him lumbering around in a fat suit for 2 hours over Daniel Day-Lewis pretending he's someone else during 2 years of filming.
Best Picture: I swear I watch movies. I see at least one movie per month. I've seen every single film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I can quote any Tarantino line. But as I watched them release the names of the nominees in this category, I felt like I had fallen into a coma. I have not seen a single nominee for 'Best Picture'. Obviously there's no excuse for some of them like "Get Out" or "Dunkirk", but most of these movies were so foreign to me I had to Google them. "Shape of Water" won the Oscar, but from best I could gather, it's just a movie about a woman who falls in love with a Scooby-Doo villain. The Creature from the Black Lagoon was receiving heavy petting from a woman in a bath tub, and that was the best movie of 2017. If I hadn't known any better, I would've thought it was a parody video. Guillermo del Toro, go back to making Hellboy movies and get the soft-core fish-porn off the silver screen.
Grade: D (not gonna give this an F because that fish-man looked realistic as heck)
Overall Grade: B. There were highs and lows and something about a Jetski throughout the night, but all in all it was just another awards show. My big take away is that the internet got a nice Jennifer Garner meme, and anytime I get to see more of her is a good time. #TeamJen