NBA Playoffs Mascot Match-Up

I will be selecting the winners of the NBA Playoffs First Round by simulating a knock-down drag-out between both teams' mascots. You may notice some parallels in these evaluations compared to the teams themselves. That is unintentional.

Let's Begin


- Rockets vs Timberwolves: It is difficult to rule out a wolf this early because they are fierce and could potentially take down plenty of other contenders. But a rocket is a missile and does not stop for anything... except for outer space. Unfortunately, not much an argument exists for the wolf in this fight. Rockets win.

- Thunder vs Jazz: So this is a nice little match-up. The Jazz's mascot is Jazz Bear. Jazz Bear is an extreme thrill seeker and has a spine if steel. Definitely a force to be reckoned with, until you hear about the OKC Thunder, himself, Rumble the Bison. Rumble, according to the team's website, was once a member of an elite herd of bison. This herd was atop a mountain when a tornado storm came bearing floods and lightning. Rumble helped all the other bison down the mountain safely, but in doing so, he got struck by a lightning bolt. This strike should've killed him but instead gave him the power of the "God of Thunder". He could walk upright and had superhuman strength. Rumble then wandered around the Oklahoma City for the following centuries. So yeah. Thunder win.

-Trailblazers vs Pelicans: I like pelicans. I recently watched a YouTube video of a pelican swallowing a pigeon whole. It was alive and everything. Crazy stuff. A trailblazer is a pioneer of sorts, and the mascot is a "Trail Cat". A cat that is growing up in the Wild West may have an advantage over pelican, although a pelican can fly. It's really a battle between Manifest Destiny and the freedom to fly away. Similar concepts it seems. This would be easier if the bird was a canary, but since it's a pelican, I predict more of a fight. But I'm still going with Portland. Trailblazers win.

- Warriors vs Spurs: A spur is the back part of a boot, but the team's mascot is a coyote (and a rather bizarre one). So I'm going to somehow associate a spike on a shoe to a desert canine. They're taking on a team that has no sideline mascot, but has an incredible mascot name. A warrior, whatever type of warrior that might be, can kill a coyote-spur combination. Since warriors have existed since the dawn of time, I'm unsure which typeof warrior this is, but like I said, they're beating a "Spur". Warriors win.


-Raptors vs Wizards: Oh shit yeah! This is the kind of match-up I was hoping for when I embarked on this journey. A sorcerer fighting a dinosaur. I don't even know where to begin. A raptor charging full speed at a fire ball throwing wizard is quite the image. And if this raptor get a hold of the wizard, the wizard can use a healing spell. But if Jurassic Park has taught me anything, it's that life always finds a way. My best guess is that the wizard would win. However I keep imagining a raptor tearing apart an old man in a cloak. I really feel internally conflicted in this match-up so I'll just go with my gut and move on. Wizards win. (Gosh I wish this was real)

- Cavaliers vs Pacers: I don't know what a "Pacer" is but I know that they have panther costume. A cavalier is an exciting contestant. A swordsman will take on a panther. Panthers are sly cats of the wild and a cavalier is a loyalist in the English Civil War. So I think the Frenchy will not be prepared for the pacer panther, and that's where I doubt in Cleveland's ability. Pacers Win.

- 76ers vs Heat: Little known fact about me is that I'm a lover of America and a lover of puns. I'll try to take bias out of this, but between the Heat's mascot being named "Burnie" and the 76ers being named after our country's conception I feel conflicted by this. My main rationale for this is in the Star Spangled Banner. "Bombs bursting in air, gave proof through the night, that our flag was still there". Fire can't kill the American spirit. 76ers win.

- Celtics vs Bucks: A male deer fights an Irish gentleman. Who's got the upside? Well if you google the deer population of Ireland, you will notice that there are no white-tailed deer in Ireland. The white-tailed deer is, obviously, the type of deer that the Milwaukee Bucks were named after. So it may startle the Irishman, but won't defeat him. Celtics win.