The following is a 10-prong subjective list for the 2018 NFL Draft. Only smart, dumb, or newsworthy events from the Draft will be covered. Not all teams will be addressed, nor will all the selections. If you you want a comprehensive Draft analysis... then look elsewhere.
1. Baker To The Browns
- With the 1st pick in the 2018 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select, Baker Mayfield, quarterback, Oklahoma. Now I was not surprised by this pick, but I will explain that more in my next point. My main takeaway from this is that he could potentially work well there. And what is my definition of "work"? I'd say 5 wins isn't out of the realm of possibility considering their massive overhaul this offseason. The Browns made moves for players like Damarious Randall, Tyrod Taylor, and Jarvis Landry; so I think if Baker proves himself to be worthy of 1st overall, then a rebuild could be right around the corner for the worst team in sports.
2. Five QBs In First Round
- Baker to Cle. Darnold to NYJ. Allen to Buf. Rosen to Ari. And Jackson to Bal. Why so many QBs? Why in that order? Well, I have a theory. I say that Cleveland assessed their QBs on the Deshaun Watson Metric, while Buffalo used the Carson Went Approach. The DWM is simple because it operates under the assumption that the best guy in college will be the best guy after college. If he has charisma, championships, and gets primetime coverage, then he is the most ready for the NFL. In contrast is the CWA. This draft strategy considers that all QBs are equal in opportunity and that an NFL superstar needs to be the best built player for the NFL. If a player is big, powerful, and tough, then he is the most NFL ready. The draftees who overlap both areas are Darnold and Rosen, because they see some spotlight while remaining pretty tough. Neither were Heisman, but neither were playing in the boondocks either. And What about Lamar Jackson? He deserves a 1st round selection and Joe Flacco is flaming garbage. Simple as that.
3. Saquon To The Giants
- Many mock drafts and sports contributors had the New York Football Giants taking a QB here, but those people are dumb idiot losers. And no offense to any Giants fans that wanted a QB at the 2 spot, but you're a dumb idiot loser too. Orleans Darkwa and Bilal Powell are terrible at being good. Saquon may not be the best RB ever, but Eli isn't the best QB ever and he still has 2 rings. So be grateful, and don't throw Eli under the bus just yet. Keep in mind that McAdoo was your coach and OBJ was in the hospital. You can't blame him for God hating the team. Sometimes you're just surrounded by trash so you adapt to fit the environment.
4. Ryan Shazier Walks Again
- It was probably the most emotional moment I've experienced since seeing La La Land. Linebacker and King of Pittsburg, Ryan Shazier, walked out to announce the Steelers' #28 pick during the 1st round of the draft. He was accompanied by his fiancee and Roger Goodell to welcome Terrell Edmunds to the ball team. He got a standing ovation and a roaring applause from the crowd (and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't moved to my feet as I stood speechless and in awe) Thursday night. It was the type of moment that not only confirms my love for sports, but also a moment where the world unanimously agreed that we all wish the best for that incredible man. He proved that not even a horrific injury could keep him down, and I just wish that more people knew the amazement us football fans got to feel in that moment.
5. Mike Vick Returns To Atlanta
- Ring the bells! Sound the trumpets! Bang the gong! Michael Vick is back in a HUGE way for the city of Atlanta. He introduced the Falcons' 2nd round pick of Isaiah Oliver on Friday night. And 2 days before that, he was announced as the offensive coordinator for the new AAF team coming to Atlanta. If you don't know what the AAF is, I would recommend this blog I wrote earlier this year for reference. For anyone too lazy to read that blog, all I can say is that it is a legit new football league set for 2019 and I plan on continuing my coverage of the AAF in the future. I digress. Just know that Mike Vick is reppin' his city once again and he "never lost to Dallas!"
6. Market Year For Punters
- Boy oh boy. Every year something like this happens. Nothing will ever be quite as ridiculous as the Roberto Aguayo conundrum in 2016. But this year we had 4 punters get drafted, and 2 of which went back-to-back. Now I'm no professor, but I would consider that a "run on punters" by my standards. Who were these lucky men? Well first up, at pick 149, is the Longhorn Leg himself, Michael 'Kicks-on' Dickson to the Seattle Seahawks. Great pick here by Pete Carroll and his crew drafting the Texas Punter. Dickson has incredible hang time and pin point accuracy. Next was JK Scott, or as I like to call him, JK Hot. This was a wild move here for the Packers organization to take JK from Alabama and expect to plug-and-play this fella. Great potential, but we all know he carries some skeletons in his closet as he is typically considered the "Bad Boy" of the punter position. IMMEDIATELY after Scott was Johnny Townsend being drafted by the Raiders. Townsend could probably punt the pigskin to his town's end because this guy is a machine. Coming straight out of Florida, or as they call it, Punter U, Johnny learned how to boot the ball just like the greats before him. And rounding out the bunch, at pick 247, is Mississippi State punter Logan Cooke. The Jaguars got a steal with this one. Logan sure can 'cooke' up some saucy punts for his future team now. Great to see all these athletes find a home.
7. Philly Owns Dallas
- This year (not counting the NHL) might just be the year of the Philly teams. Eagles win the Super Bowl and Villanova wins the NCAA Tournament. Now the 76ers are a favorite to take home the NBA Finals trophy and the Phillies are chasing down the Mets to win the NL East. So if there was ever an acceptable time for former Eagles kicker, David Akers, to rip a new one on the Dallas Cowboys, this is it. And that's exactly what Akers did on Friday night. He strolled out on stage with a swagger I'd kill for to announce his team's second round pick. It is also noteworthy that the Eagles traded up for this pick, and it was the pick right before the Cowboys. This is when he proceeded to destroy the local fans of Dallas by stabbing them verbally. "Hey Dallas, last time you won a Super Bowl, these draft picks weren't born!" Now that is a good diss, I don't care who you root for. And he spoke more about how he loved Philadelphia, but the ultimate rip was the pick itself. You see, earlier that day Jason Witten retired from football, leaving a hole in the Cowboys' roster for a TE. And the Eagles seemed to see that as an opportunity to sour the rivalry even more. They swooped in to cut in front of Dallas and draft a TE that could've potentially been drafted to replace Witten just one pick later. Who was this TE that the Eagles robbed the Cowboys of? South Dakota State Jackrabbit, Dallas Goedert. YES. They cucked Dallas of getting Dallas. Now that is a cut that stings.
8. New Tom Brady?
- I am a diehard Draft fan. I watch it every year and try to study for it in the months prior. After so many years of sitting around on that Saturday and watching the late rounds fly by, I've noticed a pattern. Every year, without hesitation, the analysts and draft gurus all stop what they're doing to watch the 199th pick. It's the Tom Brady pick. Something about the possibility of the greatest player ever arriving so late creates a stir in these guys. This year, the host of the 199th pick was the Titans, and they did not disappoint. They played into the narrative perfectly. The cameras turned to the Grand Ole Opry where it was announced that the Tennessee Titans were selecting Luke Falk, the QB from Washington State, in the 6th round. That alone will create headlines and puff pieces for any worthless writer, but there's more to Falk that helps sell this pick. He is a self-proclaimed Tom Brady idolizer. Hook. Line. Sinker. This article writes itself.
9. The Biggest Winner Of The Weekend
- This Draft attracted huge crowds and a wide audience because of how much attention was directed at the teams participating. Everyone wanted to know which team succeeded and which team blew it. Well in my expert evaluation, the real winner here is the Avengers. That's right. This year the prospects and storylines took a backseat to the Marvel heroes and the alien titan Thanos. All of America was buzzing to see this film. I haven't seen so much passion for a movie since seeing La La Land. I was in a theater at 1 A.M. Friday night just to view Infinity War. That movie is the culmination of 10 years of hard work and ultimate trials in order to experience the Avengers face their most fearsome foe. Look Mel Kiper, don't take it personally. But if I had to choose between you and that movie, I would happily leave you standing in the rain for a mediocre seat and a pocket full of candy.
10. Shaquem Griffin
- Obviously I can't talk about the Draft without mentioning the best LB in the Draft, and I realize 70% of this article is sarcasm, but that claim isn't. I genuinely believe he would've been drafted around where Roquan Smith was drafted if teams could look past his red herring. The man does only have 1 hand, and I admit that merits hesitancy, but I also am a facts guy. I believe the facts speak for themself. He lead the UCF defense to an undefeated record and a New Year's game. He was invited to the combine where he broke the all time record for LBs on the 40 meter dash. He has proven himself time and time again and I stand by my take that he will be the best LB in this rookie class. It may be a scalding hot take and full of holes for any ESPN commentator to disprove, but his physical ability is just too impressive for me to dismiss. So you better believe I w